I’m not a breakup expert, but I thought you may resonate with this post.
From flying to a new city in a suitcase for a conference that was cancelled the last minute to falling in love with the city, surviving the near-fatal car accident (and still recovering from the neck pain), and more, my journey last year has been quite intense.
While I thought I could finally chill out over the holidays, I spent my December grieving as my ex and I broke up. I was left feeling abandoned, unloved, and sad as the relationship crumpled.
While my intuition has been guiding me to leave the relationship for a few months, I did not have the courage to do so because I was terrified of the unknown. After days of intense pain, tears, and reflection, I realised that letting go of the relationship to create space for this new chapter of my life best served me.
A breakthrough came when I owned my true desires, and deeply accepted the loss of this relationship – I realised that I was not being authentic to myself by staying in a relationship that did not serve my growth.
Most importantly, I also learned the importance of self-love, and having the courage to pursue what I truly desire. To celebrate the new year in the last few weeks of the past year, I dove deep into my emotions to heal in order to move onto the next chapter of my life.
I decided to welcome the pain from the heartbreak, and really understand the significance of it. I was fortunate enough to have spoken and worked with relationship experts, healers, and coaches, who guided me through the heartbreak process.
And for those of you with a broken heart, I’d like to share the following tips on this post to help you heal your broken heart. Here are 8 insights I’d like to share with you to help you heal:
#1) Realise the beauty and significance of a heartbreak
How heartbreaks can help you love deeper
Initially, I was terrified of heartbreaks. I was afraid of feeling that dark hole of grieving, being rejected, unloved and abandoned.
Ironically, my friend helped me realise that heartbreaks may help you love deeper.
The more you are willing to embrace the pain from heartbreak and accept that people may hurt you even with their best intentions, the more you’re willing to let go and fall in love.
The more deeply I confronted the pain from my heartbreak, the more I learn that pain is a gift for growth and acceptance – acceptance of what is. And from accepting what is, you learn to love and give deeper.
So, instead of dreading how long the relationship will last, we can focus on loving and giving to the other person, because even if the relationship does not last, we learn that we have the strength to go through this heartbreak.
#2) Feel the grief and sadness
A heartbreak can really consume you.
And it’s ok.
Accept and dive straight into the pain.
Feel it. Cry it out. Journal. Reflect. Stay with the pain. Embrace the pain like your inner child crying out for your help.
Instead of distracting yourself from your pain through TV, partying etc, take the time to reflect and nurture your pain, which may stem from childhood trauma and previous relationships.
This means…
- When you feel sad, feel the sadness and allow yourself to cry.
- When you feel angry, allow the anger to move through you.
- When you feel betrayed, feel the betrayal.
Surrender to the feelings you feel and allow yourself to feel them. Eventually the feelings will pass.
Don’t be afraid to feel your anger. Underneath your anger, it is sadness/hurt.
If you can get in touch with your sadness and deepest fears, and express your insecurities and emotions in a healthy way, you will start being more vulnerable and alive.
You will eventually feel a sense of relief and emerge on the other side and start seeing new possibilities.
Teal Swan has a very good video on how to heal a heart break, which I recommend you to watch.
#3) Take responsibility for what you’ve done to attract this relationship (Ask why)
A relationship is designed for us to heal our childhood wounds (using our partner as our healing agent – to re-parent us). If we do, we become stronger. If we don’t, we re-live our childhood trauma.” – Bruce Muzik
As Bruce Muzik, a world-class relationship coach, has stated, “A relationship is designed for us to heal our childhood wounds (using our partner as our healing agent – to re-parent us). If we do, we become stronger. If we don’t, we re-live our childhood trauma.”
Instead of blaming and playing victim (which I do at times too), ask yourself the following questions:
- Why did you attract this relationship ?
- How have you grown as a person to a point where the relationship does not serve you and your growth anymore?
- Were you stuck in a relationship because it was more comfortable to stay in broken places than risk the terrifying unknown?
- What was the core issue that attracted you to the relationship in the first place?
- How have your unconscious beliefs and childhood patterns played out in all your relationships?
If you look back at all your previous relationships, often the relationships end in the same way or for similar reasons. You’ll probably notice a pattern. And this pattern is what is referred to as the core issue.
By becoming aware of your core issue, you can then change the pattern you experience in relationships.
When you start to attract the same people and situations that bring you the exact opposite of what you consciously desire, you can become aware of it. And awareness is the first step to breaking out of the cycle. Bruce Muzik has detailed steps on how to uncover such pattern.
#4) Recognise that you may have grown in different directions from your ex
People grow apart. I believe people come together at a certain time, for a period, for the purpose of growth and evolution.
And in relationships, one party may have experienced tremendous personal growth, while the other party may not have grown in the same direction. And if one party doesn’t do the inner work or afraid to look at himself/herself radically and face one’s deepest fears, the relationship ends – either physically, emotionally or sexually.
In my opinion, at a deeper level, this is usually why relationships disintegrate.
Both parties may experience a disconnect in such situation – while you got along great in the past, things may feel off. Both party may feel a sense of disconnection, but they keep on holding on because they want that old feeling of closeness.
As much as you may try to rekindle old feelings of closeness with your partner, this may not be feasible given that you are on different paths.
And I believe a big part of the pain from breakup stems from attachment to our “old” energy/vibration. And this pain, if we embrace and process it, can help us outgrow our conditioned patterns, and teach us the value of acceptance and self-love.
Breakthrough comes when you release the pain from this old energetic pattern, deeply accept this change and loss.
This is also why I think it is crucial to ask why the relationship disintegrated. This allows us to develop awareness and uncover patterns within us so we don’t repeat them again. We just need to be racially honest with ourselves.
#5) Surround yourself with supportive and loving friends
Connecting with others can help you feel less alone, even though you may not feel capable of connecting with others emotionally. Just having friends around listening to you cry can be very therapeutic.
#6) Challenge the happily ever after belief
For a lot of us, perhaps we are holding onto the notion that a relationship/marriage should last. But what if we were to let go of that belief?
Most of us enters into coupledom with the intention to go “all the way.”
But we change and grow.
A single promise made (say during a wedding ceremony) does not mean that the relationship won’t fall apart, or that no further work or communication is required for the relationship to work.
If we understand deeply that a relationship is an ever evolving “entity” that changes, we may have be less attached to the outcome of the relationship, wherever it takes us.
#7) Take care of your health
As hard as it may sound, try to take care of your health during the breakup, which can be very draining and taxing to your health.
I relied on my The SuperCharger™ Green Smoothie, salads and juices from Urban Remedy in the 2 weeks of recovery process.
If you can meditate, do that.
#8) Release
And when you’ve almost finished grieving, perhaps you can list the gifts you’ve learned from your last relationship.
Of course, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you and your ex will be the best buddies, or that you won’t have any negative emotions toward the relationship at all.
I don’t believe that everything is all rosy/beautiful; sometimes friendships with exes are not necessary especially if you’ve grown apart.
If applicable, you can have a healing conversation with your ex.
However, healing does not have to take place with another person; it can take place within us. Healing is about releasing ourselves and forgiving ourselves so we can move forward.
***And if you’ve gone through a toxic relationship, I believe the key is to practice self-love in every moment. I’d suggest that you read Shadows Before Dawn by Teal Swan.
What’s on the other side?
Freedom, aliveness, nourishing relationships, new beginnings, authenticity, and perhaps… synchrony sex and a “better” partner 😉
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