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Embrace your “Good Girl” to be free, but not in the way you think

May 11, 2024

I remember how I was trained to conform and ace exams like a robot, even in subjects I was not naturally good at or remotely interested in.
 
I was praised as the “good girl” if I…
 
  • followed the rules, even the insensible ones
  • pleased others and did not cause too much “trouble”
  • did not take up too much space and was agreeable
  • had “lady-like” manners, aced all her exams
  • was studious and diligent
  • got a “respectable” job in finance, medicine, law or accountancy
 
Desperate to be seen as the “good girl” so I could gain external validation, I graduated top of class at a top university, landed a top job in high finance; all in an attempt to gain the stamp of approval by the society I was in.
 
And, to be seen as “good,” I…
 
  • tried to be “humble” and took up as little space as possible
  • had trouble asking for what I needed
  • struggled with maintaining healthy boundaries
  • surrounded by people who devalued and dismissed my authentic self
  • repressed my anger
  • numbed my feelings of powerlessness, anxiety, and stress with food
  • felt like a failure and had really high expectations for myself
  • undervalued my capabilities
 
Long story short, my anxiety, stress, and negativity got the better of me and I quit finance. I struggled with low esteem, was deeply unhappy, and did not know how to deal with my emotions. I felt like I was going on an uphill battle of never being able to win despite what I did, as if I was drowning in the sea of expectations of a system I did not comprehend. 
 
So I traveled to run away from myself. But that didn’t work either: A near-death car accident, a terrible breakup in a new country, and consistent nightmares of being chased by monsters shook me: I was forced to face my shadow and heal.
 
Coincidentally, my first healer showed up at just the right time, and I spent the last decade doing exactly that – obsessed with trying to figure out who I was, what healing was, and heal my traumas.
 
Having emerged on the other side, I have learned (am still learning) to:
 
  • be comfortable taking up space
  • figure out my desires and ask for what I need
  • set boundaries with others
  • hold parts within me I am scared of and still move forward to my goals
  • value my authentic gifts
  • embrace and transmute my fear and negative emotions such as anger
  • unblock my internal resistance toward my goals
  • be responsible for my emotions and learn to own them and communicate that to the world
 
And, it took me years to realise that the “good girl” within me was preventing me from pursuing my authentic desires, and she was created because that was the only way to cope and survive my childhood. She was closely related to my inner critic, and in a way, she did block me from owning my wild feminine.
 
My initial reaction of realising the above made me very angry – I started suppressing and hating her. But this only made her more defiant.
 

The hardest part was realising the good girl was within me and I could not get rid of her no matter how I tried.

 
As I was in a dance therapy session resisting this part, my facilitator said I had to learn to love this part. This was the toughest part for me because this good girl part has caused me so much pain.
 
To integrate this part, I had to give her space, let her show herself and reassure her that I value her contribution using parts work.

 

As I continued to give the good girl within me more space, she learned to step aside and gradually let my authentic self and essence show herself so my authentic desires could be pursued and fulfilled.

 

By embracing the good girl within me, I gave myself the permission to activate my essence and own my power.
 
Does any of the above resonate with you?
 
What would happen if you stopped trying to be good and stopped trying to resist the good girl within you at the same time?
 
Instead, can you get to know the good girl within you and give her the space and voice to be, whilst telling her it is safe for her to set aside and let you be you?
This way, you are making unconscious conscious.
Instead of trying to take up as little space as possible, you can just be you, be bold,  own your desires and communicate your needs.
 
How can you give the “good girl” space to just be, and let her express herself? And can you reassure her that you’re safe now and tell her to set some time aside for your “wild” self to shine?
 
Share your thoughts in the comments below!