Today, I’m stepping away from my normal content. While this message is directed at women, I want to acknowledge that some men can also suffer from similar trauma, and they are often less vocal about it. This is for anyone who needs to hear it.
Many self-help programs sell a simple formula: to attract a “high-value” man, a woman must become more “feminine”— “softer,” more “open.”
But this can be a trap. It pushes women to one extreme, forcing them into a role instead of empowering them to be whole. Think of it like this:
The Program’s Promise: “Just be more yin (receptive) to attract yang (assertive).”
The Reality: Healthy polarity is not a rigid rule—it is a flexible dance. It is about accessing both your strength and your softness when you choose.
Why can this rhetoric be so damaging?
For women who already feel hyper-responsible (often due to an absent or unloving father), this message is especially harmful.
If you’re coming from a place where your caregivers were absent, abusive, or just emotionally checked out, you are already wired to think everything is on you.
You try harder, you bend more, you blame yourself when it doesn’t work. And boom—a lot of these courses (not all) tap right into that.
You may even often overcompensate, believing all relationship failures are your fault, beating yourself up, thinking, “If I’d just been more open…”
“He didn’t call me back, text me back, etc because I did something wrong.
It’s my fault… Something is wrong with me.”
No. Stop!!!
Relationships flop for a million reasons, not just your “energy.” What if NOTHING is wrong with you?
This rhetoric tells women, “You cannot “manifest” the love you want because you are not “feminine” enough, and/or open to “love” enough.” (So, buy my course and I’ll teach you how to be more “open.”)
I see this pattern all the time. The “good” girls sign up, hoping to finally get it right.
The above usually just reinforces the same trauma:
“If you just try harder and be “better”, you’d finally get the love you want.”
It can be like reliving that childhood BS all over again, just in your adulthood, chasing programs after programs to be “better” so you can finally get that love you so want.
AND, opening up or softening does not guarantee attracting the “right” partner.
Note: Also, as I’ve said previously, you cannot force yourself to “open.”
Digging Deeper: How This Stuff Messes With Your Head
The marketing can be very light and fluffy on top—pretty graphics, empowering quotes, “divine feminine” vibes.
But underneath? I’m skeptical: They can use tricks to make you feel like you’re missing out on your “supreme destiny” if you don’t buy in. Limited-time offers. Emails that poke at your insecurities.
Light side? Sure, some of it might help with self-awareness. But mostly, it can be misleading hype that keeps you chasing.
Yes, what I call the *DANGLING CARROT!* Don’t even get me started.
The Real Healing “Hack”: There’s Nothing to Fix!
True healing is really about embracing yourself where you are, this includes embracing your “yin” and “yang” aspects, whether you’re a woman, a man, or whatever gender you identify with.
AND, if you do fall into the category of women above, the healing “hack” (if we’re really going to go there) is ultimately about DEEPLY realizing the below:
There is nothing wrong with you in the first place—the lack of love was never about you, but about your caregivers being incapable of giving you the love you needed in the first place.
When you internalize this, everything shifts.
You don’t need to “fix” yourself to be worthy of love. You are already whole.
This means:
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You can keep your boundaries firm and your heart open at the same time.
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You soften only when it feels authentic and safe, not because a program told you to.
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You draw from both your “tough” and “soft” qualities as you see fit.
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You just accept yourself as you are. This does not mean you don’t evolve, but you deeply know that you are loved just are you are.
This is true power: mastering the full range of who you are on your own terms.
Final Thoughts: You’re Free Now
Through the process of owning your self worth, you become more comfortable being alone, and you stop editing your desires and start trusting them.
And you start to see all the self-help advice for what it is—some of it is helpful, sure, but real, lasting change takes time and patience, not a magic bullet.
But then you “heal” not because you think you are not enough for love, you “heal” when you realize that you have been worthy of love the whole time, you just didn’t realize it.
Occasionally, you may slip here and there, but once you realize the above, you’ll get back up, brush yourself off, and continue your path with a new steadiness.
And from this place, you carry an innate power: a deep, cellular knowing of your worth, even when your physical reality hasn’t yet aligned. You don’t just hope for it; you know it.
Remember the L’oreal ad Because You’re Worth It? 😉
P.S. I’ll sharing practical steps on HOW to come to the above realization and exploring more about the topic of “softening” since it is such a buzz word as mentioned in this post.
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